fatty, fatty

I have come to that point again.

The point where I FEEL the fat living on me. Gross, maybe. But there's no other way to say it.

If you're fat, you know what I'm talking about. It's not just, "Gees, I could stand to lose a few pounds." It's, you look in the mirror and your top lip curls up in disgust and you wonder if you should really go in public looking all...burly.

Suddenly, you notice when any where you go is over 70 degrees. The sweat in between the rolls is a constant reminder.

It's not like the feeling of being pregnant-fat where you have one huge fat bump. When you're fat, you have rolls that eat the smaller rolls when you sit down...rolls that eat your waistband...rolls that eat your control-top nylons, (and that doesn't just feel uncomfortable, that plain hurts). Rolls will not be contained.

You miss your belly button. You wonder how it's doing. You wonder if it has suffocated and died. But you wouldn't know, cuz you haven't seen it in a while.

There's just nothing like it. No other problem is like being fat. Being fat is self-inflicted. It's really one of the only heath problems where people look at you and think, "Oh. My. Gosh. Becky. Look at her flab." Even alcoholics get a little more respect than that...people look on them with a disdainful pity. But fat people, you get to carry around the knowledge that you can actually make someone lose there appetite by your mere presence. How upsetting. Maybe that's how skinny people are staying skinny. (Let's go sit on them!)

If I didn't love food, this would not be a problem. Dr. Phil, Bob, and Jillian always talk about how people use food to fill some void...something in your past is making you stuff your face, you're bored, you're happy, you're sad, you're lonely, you just stubbed your toe...but I don't have a void. I just love how food taste. Good food anyway. I wish I had a void. Then I could fill it with the necessary therapy and be on my way.

I wish they had a Patch for eating. Fat people have every bit the chance of dying that smokers do. So why not? I'll tell you why not, cuz the weight-loss industry is one of the biggest on the planet! If they (the Great & Powerful THEY) came up with something so simple as the Paunchy Patch, the world economy would crash...even more. I mean, really, fat people put more money into the economy than anyone. First, with what they spend on the getting fat part. Second, with what they spend on the getting skinny part. Third, with what they spend on the giving up part.

So really, I'm fat because of the government. This is good. I've had a breakthrough. Though it still won't help me.

The problem is, I love the process. The process of baking and making. The process of something coming out of the oven and being all gooey and sugary and fresh.

Oh, Sugar. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be me...and I could add a couple decades to my life.

I need a new hobby. I'm like an alcoholic that moonlights as a bartender. I love to be in the kitchen and I can't help but eat my creations. I don't want my masterpieces to go to waste. There are, after all, starving children in Africa. I truly eat for them. I am a saint. Bless my heart.

While I'm remembering, I made an applesauce cake yesterday that I must share. It's not too sweet, but really good and super moist. It has a crisp, thin sugar topping that adds the perfect crunch. It made a good breakfast.

Applesauce Snack Cake

Makes one 8-inch square cake
3/4 cup dried apples (2 ounces), cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1 cup apple cider
1 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
2/3 cup sugar (4 3/4 ounces)
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon fresh ground nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1 cup unsweetened applesauce , room temperature
1 large egg, room temperature, lightly beaten
1/2 teaspoon salt
8 tablespoons butter (1 stick), melted and cooled slightly
1 teaspoon vanilla

1. Adjust oven rack to middle position; heat oven to 325 degrees. Cut 16-inch length parchment paper or aluminum foil and fold lengthwise to 7-inch width. Spray 8-inch square baking dish with nonstick cooking spray and fit parchment into dish, pushing it into corners and up sides; allow excess to overhang edges of dish.

2. Bring dried apples and cider to simmer in small saucepan over medium heat; cook until liquid evaporates and mixture appears dry, about 15 minutes. Cool to room temperature.

3. Whisk flour and baking soda in medium bowl to combine; set aside. In second medium bowl, whisk sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves. Measure 2 tablespoons sugar-spice mixture into small bowl and set aside for topping.

4. In food processor, process cooled dried-apple mixture and applesauce until smooth, 20 to 30 seconds, scraping sides of bowl as needed; set aside. Whisk egg and salt in large bowl to combine. Add sugar-spice mixture and whisk continuously until well combined and light colored, about 20 seconds. Add butter in three additions, whisking after each. Add applesauce mixture and vanilla and whisk to combine. Add flour mixture to wet ingredients; using rubber spatula, fold gently until just combined and evenly moistened.

5. Turn batter into prepared pan, smoothing top with rubber spatula. Sprinkle reserved 2 tablespoons sugar-spice mixture evenly over batter. Bake until wooden skewer inserted in center of cake comes out clean, 35 to 40 minutes. Cool on wire rack to room temperature, about 2 hours. Run knife along cake edges without parchment to release. Remove cake from pan by lifting parchment overhang and transfer to cutting board. Cut cake and serve.


In closing, I pose a question to the skinny people of the world:

How do you not pig out?



I want to know.

Do you just not like food?

Do you not see food as one of the joys this world has to offer?

Do you really use it as something only to sustain life and nothing more?

It's mystifying to me. Just absolutely mystifying.


  1. Jeremy is one of those naturally skinny people. He stops eating when he's satisfied, he isn't into lots of sugar: If he wants something sweet, he eats a piece of fruit. I, on the other hand, eat until I want to throw up, preferably something with sugar as the first, second, and third ingredients, and fruit is best in pie form. I think some people are naturally built with a food "off" button. My mom told me once that something happens when you binge on sugar: it sends a blast to this tiny part of your brain, dulling it every time you do it, and requiring that you give it more and more so that it can feel it. Isn't that sad? We have numbed our brains with high fructose corn syrup!

  2. Holy cow! This is EXACTLY how I feel! Seriously, last night I was watching tv and folded my arms... my fingers sunk into my arm! It was like squeezing a balloon full of pudding. I was totally sickened by the squish, looked down at my top roll lopped onto my kangaroo pouch, which was resting on my buldy legs and I simply turned to Brent and exclaimed, "I AM FAT!" It just hit me, really hard. The not eating junk is IMPOSSIBLE! I'm seriously addicted, I CRAVE it and when I can't get it I almost throw fits! I'm trying to get losing again, so thank you for helping me feel less alone!

  3. That cake sounds delicious. We can count it as healthy because it has applesauce in it. I hate naturally skinny people. I have to work really hard and I'm still not there. Hang in there, everyone is different.

  4. It's true. Not eating junk is not an option. I could say it is. But it's not. Let's be real.

  5. I can binge one ice cream really easy. I have learned though that i have to be careful it doesn't have chocolate in it or I put chocolate on it or I suffer with a terrible migraine the next day, especially if I put Hersheys Syrup on it. I have to stick with pretty much vanilla with fresh strawberries on it. but it is sooooo good. Then the next morning I think why did I do that!!!! I spent to many years too stressed about being beliemick to worry too much about it, otherwise I get into too many headgames. You just have to think that today I will do better and go from there. Be happy with yourself!!!

  6. I'm Fat. I don't know if it's the lack of exercise or over eating but...

  7. I honestly think I had a withdrawl headache yesterday. I was trying to stay away from sugar and I think I'm going to have to plan for it when I really cut back the sweets. I'm eating a ton of sugar all day long currently- which I blame on night feedings.
    While we were building our house I was talking to my dad and told him that I eat enough to satisfy 3 Africans. He laughed and now teases me about my three Africans.
    PS thank you for the cake - it was really good for breakfast!!

  8. First of all, Erika needs to be a little bit easier on herself, having just had a baby not too long ago. Post-pregnancy fat is totally different and takes time (a full year) to lose.

    Secondly, maybe you should consider modifying your love of being in the kitchen to include cooking instead of baking. Baking is wonderful and fulfills a part of your soul that nothing else can, but cooking can be equally awesome in different ways. I feel like it's more challenging and open to experimentation. No need to really stick to formulas. If you get more into cooking, you can get into cooking healthy, yummy stuff. I can give you lots of recipes to start with!

    And finally, if it's portion control you're seeking, I highly recommend going to France for a few weeks and eating like the French do. For them, it's all about the flavor, not the amount of food. If you take your time to truly savor every bite of what you're eating, even if it's a small portion, making sure you take notice of every nuance of flavor, you'll be satisfied by the time you finish. Promise. Just train your palate to discern those things and you won't need as much food; your brain will switch from needing more and more food, to simply trying to process all the flavors. Oh, and after 15 minutes of eating, your brain also automatically sends some signal to your stomach that you're full. So be sure to eat slowly. Good luck!

  9. I eat what I want when I want.. I just need to do the exercise part.. cause I got some winter weight to shed..

  10. I'm fat... I lost 9 lbs :) but.. still I'm fat, after making myself quit everything I truely love, and eating, boiled eggs, whole grain plain toast, and yoguart for a month.. I was 9 lbs thinner, but grouchy... and life was no fun.. So, I am going to embrace my fattness :) and enjoy the good things life has to offer :) That cake sounds very very yummy! :)

  11. I actually do cook a lot...so that wouldn't help. Cooking is the easy part cuz you cook the meal and then it's gone. But baking is a whole different story. You make something and then it's around for a couple days...calling...

  12. oooh amy...you just totally wrote how i feel!! holy cow!! i am so disgusted with myself!! it frustrates me even more to look back at the naturally thin person i was in my youthier youth. *sigh* i suppose i WAS much more active then...i really did LOTS of walking. *pout* ohh to have that metabolism again...and i seriously don't think i had the cravings i do now. hmm and my appitite was much smaller...a single bean burrito at taco bell would suffice.

    i get motivated to get moving...then something happens. i get sick, prego stuff...like contractions or just like pains that render me practically paralysed...stupid joint relaxing hormones...luckily sciatica hasn't shown up much...but i still have plenty of time for that. and then i can;t actually diet. i'm not even supposed to count calories. (not that that is a good idea for me...)and here come the holidays with all their delicious goodies...*sigh*

    what's a crazy fat (not JUST pregnant) woman to do??!

  13. You must be my soul niece. Honestly and in every way how I feel everyday. Food is the single hardest addiction to break because it can't be outlawed. If I had to show my ID to buy chocolate it would make total sense why I am so hooked! Love your soul my dear!


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